Lessons In Resentment

Accepting help is a hard skill to master. In my life, that skill has been made less attainable by a certain type of person. They always volunteer to help me- I do not ask. But then they get in over their heads and instead of talking to me about it, they start to resent me. That resentment grows and grows to the point where they become abusive, suddenly kick me out of their lives, or turn me into a villain in their heads.

Recently, I was offered a place to live rent-free by two friends until I could receive disability or be able to work again. They offered. I did not ask in any way, shape, or form. I asked over and over again if it was still okay and over and over again was told that it was. I worried about being a burden and communicated this. I worried they wouldn’t talk to me if there was a problem.

However, over time they became less kind. Eventually, when I asked to be treated with kindness, everything blew up. I was called names, told I was using them, told they were actually trying to make me cry, and promised I would be kicked out if I kept acting how I was acting (asking to be treated with kindness). I was thoroughly confused until I heard, months after I moved out- from other people, that they were upset about money.

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All they needed to do is say something. But when things go unsaid? Resentment poisons relationships. It grows and grows until everyone has been hurt. Communication and honesty are the antidotes, but it is so hard to find people who realize this. All I had ever done was try to communicate when things were bothering me- if they had done the same it wouldn’t have ended in such an ugly way.

Instead of treating me like a human being and talking to me they got in over their heads and then hurt me. In the end, their “help” hurt me more. I would have rather struggled to pay rent than to be treated that way. I would have rather never had them in my life at all.

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I don’t share this story because it is a fun thing to reminisce. I share it because there is a clear lesson here I hope others can learn from.

Caretakers & Helpers

For those who volunteer to help someone- if you get in over your head SAY SO. Know your limits of what you can give. You aren’t being brave or saintly for pushing past these. All that exceeding those limits does is lead to resentment, and like I’ve said, resentment hurts everyone involved. If you take care of yourself you can better help others better as well.

People With Chronic Illness

For those being helped, hesitate taking help from people you don’t trust to communicate with you even if it is a difficult conversation. Even if you are receiving help, you deserve to be treated kindly. Don’t fall into the trap in thinking that you owe it to people who are helping you to be purposefully hurt, abused, degraded, humiliated, or mistreated in any form.

You are not a burden or responsibility to be put up with, but a human who should be treated as such. Anyone who loses sight of this doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

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The Problem With Telling Patients They Will Grow Out Of POTS

Telling a young person with a chronic illness that they will grow out of it sounds like fantastic news. With POTS, it is a trap that is easy to fall in. It feels lovely to give someone hope and good news who is obviously suffering, but when it is false hope it can cause some serious issues. It may sound strange, but when we are waiting for something horrific to end we stop actively living our lives. Everything becomes about what will happen after this terrible phase in their life. “I’ll finally start dating once I grow out of it.” “When I grow out of it I can have a social life again.” “When I grow out of it I can finally travel.”

As many as 1 in every 100 teens has POTS. Sometimes these teens grow out of POTS in ways adults seldom do. I was diagnosed with POTS when I was 18. Because I was right on the borderline it was assumed that I would grow out of POTS. I had at least 5 different doctors inform me I would grow out of POTS.

As a result, I stopped living and just survived, always waiting. When people are just living out the time in their life waiting for when things change very little joy enters their life. Waiting leads to not seeking out the things you love and not connecting to the ones you love. All the joy and happiness in your life is always in the distant future. Depression seeps in and for awhile you can withstand on hope for a healthy future alone. But when year after year it doesn’t come it gets harder to believe that things will change and suddenly all that you were living for slips away.

And the hope did slip away.
As I got older doctor’s stories changed. Instead of the confident outlook they had at 18, 19, and 20 things started to change when I turned 21. At 21 they told me, “You’ll probably still grow out of it.” I was heartbroken when it wasn’t true. At 22 they told me, “You could still grow out of it.” I was dismayed. And at 23, “It is unlikely you will grow out of it.” By 23 I was destroyed. At 24 and 25, there is no talk of growing out of POTS.

False hope hurts.
I started to feel lied to- stupid for looking forward to things. Not growing out of my condition led to a dissipation of trust, especially of the doctors who gave me false hope. Sometimes doctors in general. Why should I ever listen to them? I was convinced that because they lied to so many times and would do it again.

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False hope keeps us from coping with our illness.
When my illness felt temporary it was easy to just be in denial. I would pretend to be healthy, then push myself too far and be bed-ridden for weeks. I would try to go out with my friends, keep up with them, and then not be able to walk for the next two weeks. I convinced myself I was still a normal healthy teenager then came crashing down. But nothing was wrong. In doing so with my illness, I hurt myself in this stage of denial. Because it was all temporary I didn’t even bother dealing with my condition. As a result, I missed out truly living. If I had learned to manage and cope with my illness I wouldn’t have missed out on so much of life. I would have spent that time adapting instead of waiting. I could have spent that time learning to be happy despite my condition.

In the year before my 24th birthday, I came to terms with the fact that I am not one of the people who will grow out of POTS. Since I have had the best years in terms of coping. In no way has any of this been anywhere near easy. Letting go of that false hope, disappointment, anger, and frustration really helped me actually deal with what was happening and move on to live my life. I learned to cope; I adapted to survive.

I truly understand the instinct to tell people they will grow out of the condition. Even at the Dysautonomia International Conference, I found myself saying that I hope others would grow out of POTS. I know that false hope has made things harder for me so why would I impose that on other people? We want something to hold on to and to give others to hold on to. We don’t want to admit that the reality is that this is something we will have to deal with indefinitely. However, learning to adapt to POTS and live life despite it made for a far more satisfying life than waiting for it to pass.

My advice to anyone, likely to grow out of POTS or not, is to adapt and learn how to live your life and find happiness despite your condition- whether temporary or forever. Waiting for it to get better and putting your life on hold will only hurt you more. It is okay to have hope but don’t let your hope leave you frozen in place.

8 Things Healthy People Need To Stop Saying

Dear Healthy People,

There are a lot of articles out there about what you should stop saying to sick people. Here are some things healthy people need to think about before they say because they are hurtful. Please stop saying and doing the following. You are being insensitive and ignorant.

I try so hard to be empathetic and tactful, but I am so sick of these people not even attempting to be tactful or empathetic to me in any way so, this time, the gloves are coming off. I’m sick of your crap and am calling you out.

1. Sorry But I ___________________

  • Was in pain
  • Was sick
  • Hadn’t slept well

Using pain, illness, or lack of sleep as an excuse for bad behavior is incredibly irritating.

I recently had someone go off on me in anger and blamed it on not sleeping well… for two nights. At the time, I had slept an average of 1 hour a night for the last 30 days. It was insulting for someone to treat me poorly and use not sleeping well for two nights as an excuse for their behavior when even after a month without sleep I was still nice to her.

When you have a chronic illness you don’t get to use pain, illness, or lack of sleep as an excuse to be rude to people. If you did you would lose every person in your life within a week. I realize that being sick or sleep deprived for many people is an uncommon and terrible thing to deal with. But it feels so terrible that healthy people get to use it as an excuse when I strive to be a good, nice person despite dealing with dislocated joints, not sleeping for weeks at a time, and all the crap that comes along with having a chronic illness.

2. I Know How You Feel
When healthy people say this to me I seriously want to scream. First of all, being sick for a long time is nothing like having an injury, being acutely sick, or not sleeping well a few nights. Pretending it is the same minimizes the biggest struggle of my life, a struggle that is hard to clear my mind of for a single minute because my pain is there to remind me constantly. Unless you have had to grieve for the loss of your old life when you were healthy you should not say this to someone with a chronic illness.

Secondly, comparing someone’s illness to your situation is messed up. Why do you have to make the comparisons? Why can’t you empathize instead of minimizing my problems? Plus, let’s be honest. If you want to play the comparison game you will lose. You haven’t slept well for a few days? Try months. Your shoulder is sore? Try dislocating multiple joints a week. You have had an ear infection for a week? Try having a sinus infection for 6 months or a debilitating illness for almost 8 years.

I can feel sympathetic to your pain and illness, but if you compare it to mine or minimize my illness my ability to empathize with you will go out the window.

Parents, you not sleeping because you have a child is not the same thing as dealing with a chronic illness. You chose to have children. I didn’t choose this. Being tired is not the same as feeling the crushing fatigue of a chronic illness. So no, you can know tired and not have an infant. Stop minimizing everyone else’s experiences because you have a kid.

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3. I Have Been Sick For SO Long
Being sick sucks. Being sick for a while really sucks. I get it; I really do. This is not an “other people have it worse thing,” you are allowed to have a hard time. I can support you through that. It is a problem when you say these things to me or other chronically ill people without considering how I feel. Hearing you say that having a cold for a couple weeks as “so long” feels like you are ignoring the fact that that happened to me once, but the difference is my illness never went away.

I have been sick for 7 years, 8 months, and 6 days. I have not gone more than 3 or 4 hours (awake) that entire time without my body reminding me that I am sick, that I am not normal. When you forget that, when you ignore that, it is a slap in the face.

I will support you for the entire time you are sick but please do not forget the hard things I am dealing with. Don’t minimize what I am going through because you are having a hard time and I will not do the same.

4. You Are Lucky
You are lucky you get to take “fun drugs.”
I have excruciating pain nearly every minute of every day. The medicines I take are not to get high or have fun. They hardly take the edge off. I would never take them again if I could survive the pain. Being in so much pain you have to take medicine is absolutely not lucky.

You are lucky you don’t have to work/ go to school.
I was on track to go to medical school when I got sick. I am not lazy or avoiding work. I would give anything to be able to go to school and work. I hate feeling trapped into doing less. It isn’t luck; this isn’t a vacation.

You are lucky you can sleep in.
If I don’t sleep more I can function even less than usual. I am not sleeping in because I feel like it, am lazy, or am a bit tired. I sleep in because I cannot stand if I sleep less than 9 hours. My pain is unimaginable if I don’t get enough sleep. I sleep out of necessity, not pleasure.

The list goes on and on. How inconsiderate are you that you can’t see that having a chronic illness is not in any way lucky?

5. I Couldn’t Do It, I Hate _______

  • Taking medicine
  • Shots
  • Going to the doctor
  • Hospitals

I hate them all too, but when you have a severe chronic illness you no longer have a choice. When people say this I am not sure how to respond. Are you implying I do like these things? Do you think these things are optional? I have to do things I hate all the time to survive.

If you were chronically ill you would have to do all those things too. You do what you have to to survive. What you want, what you enjoy no longer matters when you are fighting every day to survive.

6. You Can Do Anything! Mind Over Matter!
I know you are trying to be inspirational but this is really insulting to disabled people. No matter what I do I will never be able to climb a mountain, become a surgeon, or run a marathon. Being literally unconscious puts a damper on accomplishing all your dreams. And that is what happens when I try “mind over matter”- I faint.

So no, don’t spew that crap to me. I am limited by my condition. Just because you are able bodied do not tell us we all of are able to accomplish anything we put our mind to.

7. I Never Get Sick
People say this with pride to me all the time. The only reason I am sick and you aren’t is chance alone. You are not better than me because you happen to be healthy.

When you say this with pride you make it obvious you think you are better than me because you are healthy. It makes it obvious you think I have control over the fact that I am sick.

8. At Least You Are Used To It
Discounting what I am going through because I go through it constantly is also insulting. My condition causes a different pain every day. It doesn’t get less shitty because I have had it for so long. In fact, it gets harder. It is exhausting and soul crushing to deal with pain and illness this long. So don’t dismiss me because I have had these problems for a while. It still hurts and it is still hard no matter how long it has been.

Defining Yourself By Your Disability and Seeing Yourself As Sick

Defining Yourself As Your Disability

 This article makes a really good point I have  been thinking of lately. People should not demand someone with a disability to look at themselves in whatever way you see fit. Don’t complain that they talk about their illness too much. My disability does not define me, but it has shaped who I am. I have to deal with it every single day; it is a part of my life and I will talk about it if I want to.

Firstly, telling people to not “define themselves by their disability” is insulting because it implies that is how they do define themselves. For me and for most people this isn’t true.

Secondly, telling someone to not define themselves by their disability or to talk about their disability less is just ignorant. The people you see every day, the job you go to every single day- those things shape who you are. So who are you to say that a something I deal with every minute of every day should not influence my life or how I see myself?  When you hate your job you are probably going to talk about it a lot. In no way does that mean you are defined by that feeling, your crappy job, or how you deal with it. Talking about something that affects you so profoundly absolutely does not mean you are “defined” by it.

Seeing Yourself As Sick

While at the Dysautonomia International Conference a Dr. Paola Sandroni, a neurologist and expert in POTS, claimed that IV fluids should not be given to patients because it makes them think of themselves as sick*. Well, my question to Dr. Sandroni: how is wanting IV fluids to feel less sick going to make me suddenly see myself as more sick?! IV fluids make me feel less sick and more normal. Do you want to know what does make me think of myself as sick? Fainting. Pain. Brain fog. Dizziness. Nausea. Severe tachycardia. Vomiting. Chest pain. Our symptoms make us feel sick and think of ourselves as sick; treatments make us feel better and more normal. Stop demonizing our attempts to feel better.

I have also heard “friends,” family, and medical professionals go even as far as saying that you would feel better if you didn’t focus so much on being sick. Just stop talking about it and it will go away. In some cases, I am sure this is true, especially with patients who have both anxiety and POTS. Most of us do not. Just as many others, I don’t see myself as weak and sick. That is not why I talk about my illness. In fact, I see myself as strong, and a fighter for what I go through every day and keep on going. I recognize how hard it was to ask my friends and family for support. I recognize that I am doing everything I can to raise awareness to hopefully limit both the suffering of others and myself. If I need support to deal with this really tough thing then you can bet I will talk about it, and I’m stronger for that fact. You can’t silence me by demonizing the way I get support and deal with my illness.

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*All the other doctors at the Dysautonomia International Conference were wonderful and much more understanding of patient’s struggles. This was just one negative experience of an overall wonderful weekend.

FOMO: 8 Ways to Stay Social with POTS

The decline in quality of life we experience with POTS is comparable to someone with congestive heart failure. So it isn’t surprising that our social lives, frankly, suck. Finding friends that understand when you have to cancel is incredibly difficult. Finding friends who understand to the point where they don’t insist on activities that include standing, alcohol, or being out in the heat seems to be impossible.

Last Monday I tried to go out with friends and ended up puking in the bathroom and sleeping in the car. Then at a small party this weekend I was feeling terrible and had to keep going outside so as to not throw up. I fainted in the hallway, was in a ton of pain, and just all around felt awful. When I came back my partner made a comment on how I was missing out on everything. Well that comment hit me really hard. It really does feel that way.

I try and go out with friends and about a third of the time I feel too terrible to enjoy myself. Almost every single time I am around people I feel isolated by the pain I’m in. I do miss out on things with my friends, and most of my friends have left me behind altogether. The worst part is that I am not alone, and that most of us with POTS feel this way. In fact, 98% of us felt like POTS gets in the way of a social life.

Does POTS prevent you from socializing as much as you’d like?

Yes 98%
No 2%

Source

So what is there to be done? Humans are social creatures and not being able to socialize is a huge detractor from quality of life. Unfortunately, there is no magic solution, but there are things that may help:

1. Educate your friends

Unfortunately this only works if you have really awesome friends. A lot of time my attempts to educate fall on deaf ears. Some of the resources I have found most helpful are the spoon theory or this condensed and easy to understand information from Dysautonomia International. Being clear about activities you can and can’t do is essential. People aren’t going to make the connection that if you are heat intolerant you can’t go to an amusement park in the summer (even though it seems obvious to us), or that if over-stimulation messes with your POTS a 3D movie is really going to make your symptom worse. Being clear about what you can and can’t do helps a lot with understanding.

2. Push yourself, but not too hard

About two thirds of the time when I push myself to do something social it ends up being fantastic and I don’t regret my choice. I may not feel well, but being around friends keeps my mind off of it and finally getting to feel slightly normal. It really makes a world of difference in my mood and ability to deal with my illness. That is why I say push yourself, but not too much. We all know what happens when you use too many spoons.

Every single time I want to go out it involves “pushing myself.” Even getting dressed and ready is a huge accomplishment. I don’t think people around me realize that, but i wish they did. You are the only one who can gauge what you are up to doing.

3. Join online support groups

These have been so helpful to me and lots of other chronically ill people. Just go to Facebook and search for your condition. Be aware that some groups may not be private and you may want to make an alternative account.

4. Join in-person support groups

There are a few of these scattered throughout the world. It definitely helps if you live in a big city. If you live in Denver or Colorado message me on Facebook and I will add you to our group. Finding just one other person to chat with occasionally can be really helpful!

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5. Try Meetup to find people who get it

Meetup is great for finding general chronic illness groups. People in the group may not have POTS, but they know what it is like to live with similar problems.

6. Suggest Activities that Work for you

The default with my friends is to go out to bars when we want to hang out, but sometimes that is too difficult. Standing, driving, drinking, and (for some reason) bar-stools are not things I do well with all the time. A lot of times your friends may be completely happy to binge watch Netflix or have a movie night in and all you have to do is ask. Suggesting things you can still do instead of cancelling is a great way to stay social. Sometimes it is hard to ask because it feels like you are expecting others to accommodate you, but if you have good friends they will be happy to spend time with you no matter what you are doing.

7. Don’t Worry About Being “the sick person”

This is a difficult one and I really need to work on taking my own advice. You may have read my post about being temporarily paralyzed after an injection. Well that weekend I had a social event that I really wanted to make, but couldn’t walk. I bit the bullet and went out in a wheelchair. Using a wheelchair when you only need it is so confusing to people for some reason, but I recommend it wholeheartedly. Using a wheelchair makes going out so much easier because it takes away from the standing and walking usually involved. I got a lot of questions, but I don’t mind those from friends. People were surprisingly eager to help. I didn’t feel like the “sick girl” either. My friends and acquaintances seemed to talk to me as a person, and not talk down to me as someone in a wheelchair which I was worried about. Plus I got to wear heels without falling on my face- added bonus.

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Fear of fainting is another barrier to going out. Fainting in public is not fun. People assume you are drunk, freak out and call and ambulance, give you terrible and unnecessary CPR (and sometimes break bones), or literally step over your unconscious body. So it is understandable that 44% of have a fear of fainting in public that prevents us from going out. My recommendation is to carry these cards, wear a medical bracelet, make sure any friends around you know what to do, and not to go on first dates or hang out with complete strangers unless you feel great. Always remember you can turn down an ambulance ride; they will try to convince you to go because they won’t understand POTS. That is why it is helpful to have a friend who knows about your condition and will stand strong in not letting them take you to the hospital.

POTS-related barriers to socializing

Low energy 87%
Brain fog 60%
Unable to stand 56%
Physical pain 54%
Fear of fainting in public 44%
Unable to drive 38%
Fear of needing bathroom too often 26%
Unable to shower or groom properly 25%
Unable to drink alcohol 14%

Source

8. Be Honest About your Needs

I should not have stayed at the party this weekend. It ended up with me feeling ever worse and I wish I hadn’t been stubborn. If you feel awful, rest. The fear of missing out (FOMO) can be a hard thing to deal with, but it is better than making all your symptoms flair. My friends joke that everything crazy happens right after I fall asleep, missing out sucks, but what else can I do but laugh at it?

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It Is Okay to Feel Like Giving Up: A Letter to Those Who Support A Chronically Ill Loved One

Dear Supporters of a Person Who Is Chronically Ill,

Today I want to give up. It happens every once in a while. Chronic pain is a fight you never get breaks from. It is all day every day, and lately for me it has been all night every night. Pain and lack of sleep have left me feeling incredibly discouraged. Sometimes I feel as if being in pain for this long warps my thoughts. All I want is a break from the pain. It is easy to want to give up when you can’t even get a break from pain while sleeping.

Additionally, I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone who usually supports me. I don’t feel like I am allowed to do anything than fight this every second of every day. I don’t feel like I am allowed to feel anything other than hope and inspiration. I don’t feel like I am allowed to be this discouraged.

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When you feel like giving up feeling isolated is one of the worst things you can add to the mix. I know I won’t give up. I know that I will push through because I always do. It would be really nice to not feel so alone in this feeling right now.

In the past, as I’ve talked to people around me about these feelings I have noticed a pattern. They listen long enough to get scared, shame me for feeling this way, and change the subject. I understand that is an uncomfortable subject. I really do, but when you respond in this manner the next time I feel this way I won’t feel like they can talk to you. That is where I sit today.

So I am here to tell you what I desperately wish someone would have told me a long time ago: there is nothing wrong with feeling like you want to give up. The important thing is that you don’t give up.

Do not shame us for feeling this way.

So many of us have to fight so hard every day- against pain, loss of friends, loss of social life, and loss of our healthy self. It is okay to feel tired from this battle. When you shame your loved ones for feeling this way you guarantee that they will not talk to you the next time they feel this way. That is the very worst time to feel alone.

You can remain supportive and positive without shaming them for feeling this way. If you do this then your loved one is more likely to seek out you to talk to rather than some terrible alternatives.

Don’t see this feeling as weakness.

Wishing you could give up isn’t a moment of weakness; it is expected when you are fighting an uphill battle against your own body.

Listen.

A lot of the time we aren’t looking for a solution. We just want support- someone to talk to. You don’t have to know the perfect thing to say. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all. Sometimes a hug or shoulder to cry one is the best thing you can do.

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Let us feel the full extent of our feelings.

Crying, screaming into a pillow, and cursing out your illness are all things we need to do sometimes. Let us feel all our feelings without judgement.

Get frustrated at the illness, not your loved one.

Dealing with chronic illness can be frustrating to the patient and those around us. You don’t have to be a saint and never get frustrated. Instead, direct the anger at the illness and not the patient. When they come to you frustrated you will be able to support them better and relate more to their struggle. When you tackle the problem together and see it as an obstacle to work through instead of a problem with your loved one you are much better at supporting others.

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Because you and your loved one are fighting the same battle (in obviously very different ways), you are often the one best equipped to understand and support. You probably have similar frustrations with your loved one’s illness. Use this to relate and empathize, but do not make their struggles about you.

Seek help when necessary.

It is not your responsibility or your fault your loved one feels this way. You aren’t expected to support us alone. Sometimes you will need help and that is okay.

If these feelings in your loved one are ongoing they might need therapy. Don’t demand they go. Suggest it and tell them how worried you are about them, how much you care about them, and that you want to continue to support them but you can’t do it on your own.

9 Ways to Be Supportive When You Don’t Understand

There are many experiences common to every human. Most of us will go through these, so we can easily relate and empathize. Nearly everyone is affected by the common cold. Therefore, when someone says they have a cold it is easier be understanding and supportive.  Memories of soup, towers of tissues, and feeling miserable immediately come to mind. We know how to support and help each other through a cold because we can remember what we needed. But what happens when you have no idea what a loved one is going through? How do you support them?

1. Realize you don’t have to understand to lend support. As humans we all go through hard times. Two friends I used to babysit, Julia and Evan, were young friends who both supported each other through an incredibly trying year. Julia and Evan show that humans, including children, don’t have to go through the same experiences to support each other. For Julia, the worst experience of her young life has been the loss of her mother. For Evan, the death of his beloved dog has been the most difficult time of his life thus far. So how did Evan support, empathize, or even begin to understand Julia? It is obvious that they couldn’t entirely relate to each other’s experience. However, this doesn’t mean that they can’t support each other. Both children went through an experience that was incredibly difficult for them. While Julia’s mother’s death had a more profound effect on her life, both children felt sincere grief. Sorrow and struggle are real and in the moment. The cause of grief didn’t change the despair either child felt. Because both children went through those hard experiences and felt grief, they can better relate to each other. Even though the causes and degrees of these feelings were different, both Julia and Evan supported each other through their grief.

As humans we all go through hard times. Two friends I used to babysit, Julia and Evan, were young friends who both supported each other through an incredibly trying year. Julia and Evan show that humans, including children, don’t have to go through the same experiences to support each other. For Julia, the worst experience of her young life has been the loss of her mother. For Evan, the death of his beloved dog has been the most difficult time of his life thus far. So how did Evan support, empathize, or even begin to understand Julia? It is obvious that they couldn’t entirely relate to each other’s experience. However, this doesn’t mean that they can’t support each other. Both children went through an experience that was incredibly difficult for them. While Julia’s mother’s death had a more profound effect on her life, both children felt sincere grief. Sorrow and struggle are real and in the moment. The cause of grief didn’t change the despair either child felt. Because both children went through those hard experiences and felt grief, they can better relate to each other. Even though the causes and degrees of these feelings were different, both Julia and Evan supported each other through their grief.

MRW when my friend's GF starts saying bad things about me and my friend says You never talk to him like that or we're done - Imgur

2. Don’t compare experiences, but do relate to feelings. Whatever your loved one is going through, you have at least some experience you can look at and relate it to. We have all felt frustration, despair, hatred, and pain. For example, if you want to relate to someone who is chronically ill look at what you felt when you were sick. You likely felt pain and frustration, just to a different degree. Therefore, you have the tools you need to empathize with them. Just think, how would those feelings change when sick much longer? What else would you feel? What would you need in terms of support?

Today I got my first full paycheck. After more than a year of just barely getting by due to illness. - Imgur

While searching for common feelings remember to never compare experiences. You would never say to someone who just lost their mom “I understand what you’re going through because I lost my family dog last year.” Instead, you want to consider what feelings that loss stirred in you and what support you may have wanted from others. Then you can adjust your actions accordingly and support them successfully.

While searching for common feelings remember to never compare experiences. You would never say to someone who just lost their mom “I understand what you’re going through because I lost my family dog last year.” Instead, you want to consider what feelings that loss stirred in you and what support you may have wanted from others. Then you can adjust your actions accordingly and support them successfully.

3. Seek to understand and learn. When your related feelings and experiences just aren’t enough to understand what someone is going through, seek understanding elsewhere. Even if your loved one may not want to walk in detail about what they are going through, the internet is a great resource to find people who will give you insight. You can just look up ”

When your related feelings and experiences just aren’t enough to understand what someone is going through, seek understanding elsewhere. Even if your loved one may not want to walk in detail about what they are going through, the internet is a great resource to find people who will give you insight. You can just look up “what it is like to lose a parent” or what it is like to live with a chronic illness“. Reading these will help you to understand what your loved one is going through. If you still have questions, approaching your loved one and saying “I don’t understand what you are going through but I want to support you” can be enough! This gives your loved one an opportunity to explain what they are going through or, if they do not wish to talk, they will at least know you really care and feel your support.

4. Never judge. The fastest way to make someone feel unsupported is to judge them. Never judge how someone deals with something you have never dealt with. Even if you have dealt with it, avoiding being judgmental is a great practice. For example, you should not say “it has been six months, shouldn’t you be getting back to normal?” Instead offer support and say, “I know these past six months have been hard on you; is there anything you would like to talk about?” Try to understand and support first, judge later (or never).

5. Offer more than your prayers. Prayer is the most common support offered to loved ones going through a hard time. Letting someone know you are thinking about them is great, but what are you really doing for them? Even if you believe in the power of prayer, you telling them you are praying does little for them as far as feeling supported. Letting them know that you are there to listen, cooking them a meal, or cleaning their place is much better. If you want to let someone know you are there for them, do something! Actions speak louder than words. These helping actions will lead to your loved one feeling much more supported than they would with a prayer.

The power of prayer! - Imgur

6. Reach out. Don’t assume they will ask for support. Asking for help is not my strong suit. Asking for help isn’t easy for a lot of people. When people are going through a hard time it may be even more difficult. Vague offers for help with “anything you need” begin to feel empty and contrived. So if you really want to help and support someone ask, specifically, what you can do. Reach out to them whenever you think of them or wonder if they need anything. Even if they don’t need help, they will feel much more supported.

7. Suggest specific ways in which you may help. Suggesting specific ways in which you may help will make your loved one feel even more supported. Even if you aren’t aware of exactly what they need, offering concrete ways in which you want to help shows your support. Suggesting tasks also gives your loved one an idea of what you are willing to do and gives them an idea of what they can ask for comfortably. When I need help I ask people who have offered some specific help in the past. I assume people who say “if you ever need anything just call,” are simply being polite.

8. Listen and empathize; hold the advice. If you have no idea about what going through a situation entails, please don’t give advice on it. I can’t tell you how many people have given me unwarranted medical advice because I have a chronic illness. It isn’t being supportive. When you give advice on something you know nothing about you minimize what your loved one is going through. I have spent the past six years bouncing around the medical system, confusing doctors. My complicated medical problems are not going to be resolved by an ignorant jerk with no medical background who is convinced I just need to cut out gluten.

MRW my ex shows empathy. - Imgur

This of course only applies when you aren’t asked for advice. If you have been asked, give your advice with as little judgment as possible.

9. Don’t pull away just because you don’t understand. Just because it is hard to be there and support someone through a hard time doesn’t mean you should give up. Even without similar experiences you can enrich their lives through supporting them through this hard time. Seek understanding even if it isn’t the easiest thing. They need your support especially now. Even if someone doesn’t ask explicitly for your help and support, they may really need it.

When it comes to depression and chronic illness - Imgur

It is possible to support someone through something you don’t understand. Ask questions and try to understand what they are going through the best way you can. Offer specific suggestions for how to help them, and don’t offer unwarranted advice. Just listen and love. Good luck!