Lessons In Resentment

Accepting help is a hard skill to master. In my life, that skill has been made less attainable by a certain type of person. They always volunteer to help me- I do not ask. But then they get in over their heads and instead of talking to me about it, they start to resent me. That resentment grows and grows to the point where they become abusive, suddenly kick me out of their lives, or turn me into a villain in their heads.

Recently, I was offered a place to live rent-free by two friends until I could receive disability or be able to work again. They offered. I did not ask in any way, shape, or form. I asked over and over again if it was still okay and over and over again was told that it was. I worried about being a burden and communicated this. I worried they wouldn’t talk to me if there was a problem.

However, over time they became less kind. Eventually, when I asked to be treated with kindness, everything blew up. I was called names, told I was using them, told they were actually trying to make me cry, and promised I would be kicked out if I kept acting how I was acting (asking to be treated with kindness). I was thoroughly confused until I heard, months after I moved out- from other people, that they were upset about money.


All they needed to do is say something. But when things go unsaid? Resentment poisons relationships. It grows and grows until everyone has been hurt. Communication and honesty are the antidotes, but it is so hard to find people who realize this. All I had ever done was try to communicate when things were bothering me- if they had done the same it wouldn’t have ended in such an ugly way.

Instead of treating me like a human being and talking to me they got in over their heads and then hurt me. In the end, their “help” hurt me more. I would have rather struggled to pay rent than to be treated that way. I would have rather never had them in my life at all.


I don’t share this story because it is a fun thing to reminisce. I share it because there is a clear lesson here I hope others can learn from.

Caretakers & Helpers

For those who volunteer to help someone- if you get in over your head SAY SO. Know your limits of what you can give. You aren’t being brave or saintly for pushing past these. All that exceeding those limits does is lead to resentment, and like I’ve said, resentment hurts everyone involved. If you take care of yourself you can better help others better as well.

People With Chronic Illness

For those being helped, hesitate taking help from people you don’t trust to communicate with you even if it is a difficult conversation. Even if you are receiving help, you deserve to be treated kindly. Don’t fall into the trap in thinking that you owe it to people who are helping you to be purposefully hurt, abused, degraded, humiliated, or mistreated in any form.

You are not a burden or responsibility to be put up with, but a human who should be treated as such. Anyone who loses sight of this doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

3 thoughts on “Lessons In Resentment

  1. Wow, so sorry you had to go through this! You’re right – no one should be abused and mistreated. I’m glad you’re out of that situation, and hope that others can learn from your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry that you went through this, it sounds like a terrible situation and not one that you (or anyone) deserved to go through. Thank you for sharing your experience, it is a brave thing for you to do, and I’m sure it will help other people who are in or have been in a similar situation.


  3. Hi Emily, it’s Aimee from CO again😍 Today is the first time I discovered this website, so I’m only just coming across the many articles you have written. I just wanted to tell you how much I admire and appreciate your work; you express feelings and circumstances that so many of us chronically ill patients experience so eloquently and accurately and clearly, so your writing is not only beautiful, it also puts into words the very complex and painful emotions that we often cannot articulate ourselves☺️. I cannot tell you how extremely healing and comforting it is to experience that, as well as the reassurance that we are not alone in the confusion, pain, and trauma that usually accompanies the circumstances you write about, such as the story you shared with us here. I have had many similar experiences (where a previously “safe” friend or relative–and of course, strangers too–betray and/or abandon us out of the blue, despite our best efforts to be as kind and unobtrusive as possible, and usually for seemingly no reason at all😢). Such experiences can be so terribly painful; in fact, there are several that happened to me years ago, but still nearly stop my heart in shame and sorrow whenever they come to mind😳. And I truly believe that such experiences can cause a type of PTSD, as if the losses and suffering of chronic illness isn’t traumatizing enough😢. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time and trouble to comfort and help other people with disabilities, which I think is all the more impressive and touching considering the fact that you yourself are ill, and no doubt struggling with pain and fatigue that dissuades many a patient from contributing to websites like this, and from writing such deeply personal and healing articles😊. Thanks again for helping others in such a powerful and positive way😍


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